Guilt is an interesting thing that caught my attention this
week, making me think about its origins. To those who have walked away from
traditional religious doctrines, guilt has a bad reputation. From that point of
view it is something that imprisons us, having been used as a tool to control
our minds. However there is also another aspect of guilt, that of our
conscience talking to us. From that perspective it is a compass that tells us
where we have deviated from the path that would take us to our desired
destination. According to some psychological perspectives, moderate feelings of
guilt are necessary but excessive guilt causes problems for mental health. The
question is where to draw the line between moderate and excessive. Seeing that
traditional paradigms of psychology want everyone to be as close to normal as
possible I think I’ll discard that point of view. Being normal can easily
translate to being mediocre and when I look around me I’m not sure I want to be
normal anyway.
Having had my own struggles with guilt or the lack of it,
especially in the cultural context that I live in, I now think that a lot of it
is based on misunderstanding of what is good for the self and others. I have
often felt conflicted by the fact that those who seemed to be most likely to
impose guilt on others were least likely to take ownership for their own actions.
I assumed that the world was fair and right because I was told that it was. So
often I questioned my own faculty to reason in a world where my views seemed
upside down. One example is the fact that it looked to me like women were
expected to put others before themselves more often than men. I never
understood it having been under the impression that the religious teachings
introduced to me applied to everyone. Another example was the fact that it was
unlawful for normal citizens to kill another person but the same rules didn’t
apply when the state waged war. What was more interesting was the fact that
everyone seemed to be OK with it.
One thing I can say with reasonable confidence is that those
who should feel guilty are least likely to do so. Looking at it that way, guilt
is perhaps an indication of higher awareness of the impact of one’s actions on
others. But is lack of guilt when it would perhaps have been useful an
indication that someone is a bad person? I’m not convinced – it is more likely
an indication that they’re stupid or ill. I don’t think that guilt imposed from
the outside would help someone take ownership for their actions anyway. People
can change their ways only when they wake up and that will happen when they choose
to do so.
Guilt that is actually felt is a different matter. If people
are tortured by feelings of guilt for certain actions, why do they do it? Religion
would tell us that we were born in sin and are slaves to the desires of the
flesh if our faith isn’t strong enough. But I think guilt and freedom are opponents
that sit on different sides of the same table. It is choice and understanding
that will open the door to a new way of being. Conflicting desires is part of
our nature and the tension is often what keeps us moving forward. Bringing to
light the different aspects of ourselves gives us greater power to create our
reality since it’s often the parts that we deny or suppress that run the show.
As far as our relationship with society is concerned, guilt
has an interesting relationship with happiness. I can’t decide whether we are
expected to be happy or not. I had a conversation with a friend this week who
told me about the negative reactions of others to his inclination to pursue his
dreams. I could relate to his experience since I have also felt on numerous
occasions that people would argue with me when I made it clear that I would do
things my way regardless of whether or not it would maintain the status quo. My
friend said that he gets the feeling that some family members see him as
irresponsible for chasing his dreams. When I thought about it, I realised that
those who willingly took on a certain role prescribed by society that perhaps
didn’t fit them so well were most likely to try to persuade me that my choices
made no sense.
On the other hand, I have also felt guilty many times because
I was unhappy. This meant either that I wasn’t grateful for what I had or I was
flawed because of my inability to make myself happy. In this instance guilt had
two connotations, either one of selfishness or one of failure. I can only come
to the conclusion that when guilt is imposed from the outside, it is because
others expect us to be happy in a certain way. If we’re true to ourselves we might
threaten the status quo and make others uncomfortable. In the spirit of Carl
Rogers, this implies a fundamental distrust of the organismic valuing process.
When guilt is an obstacle in the way of our freedom, we need
to go about carefully in order to free ourselves. Discarding old notions of right
and wrong in favour of doing whatever we want to might not give us the freedom
we want because we still have to take the consequences of our actions. However
I’m tempted to believe that aligning with our soul purpose would help us move
to a new understanding of what is good for ourselves and for the whole. Without
advocating complete inconsideration for others, I think that often those who
hurt or harm us are doing us a favour. In the end life asks us to live
authentically and find happiness. If that is the path we choose we will help
others to do the same for themselves, regardless of whether everyone will
always feel comfortable with our actions or not.
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