Of Bees and a Bucket of Water

I recently remembered an encounter I had with a bee when I was five years old, which resulted in my first inkling that I wanted to be a writer. Like most children growing up in warm climates, I walked around barefoot most of the time. I was mildly allergic to bees, so when I stepped on one, I couldn’t walk due to the pain and swelling. My mum’s remedy was to soak my foot in a bucket of ice cold water.

Photo by sebastien rosset on Unsplash

I still remember the scene – it was in my parents’ bedroom in the home where we lived just before they got divorced. I was feeling confined and rather sorry for myself, hoping the cold water would do its job so I could again move around. I can’t remember feeling much else, but like all children I must have been subconsciously aware of all the emotional undercurrents, the tears that were not being shed and the fears surrounding the end of a chapter. A thought popped into my head that I wanted to write a story about a bucket of water one day. I didn’t know the plot, but the emotional thread had something to do with a little girl who lost her way and found it back home again.

I dismissed the idea as silly almost immediately, but the thought stayed with me for a few more years even though I felt embarrassed at the mere memory. In my immediate reality, the world around me crumbled and was rebuilt as two separate worlds, both of which still formed part of my life. It wasn’t perfect (when is anything ever), but everyone involved got on with their lives and found some sort of resilience.

A few years down the line I was forced to deal with my personal darkness, because my subconscious mind urged me to do so. It is impossible to say how much of my anxiety was linked with wounds from childhood, but the road to better well-being was long, arduous and intermittent.
Although I expected the healing journey to help me return to “normal”, or rather, help turn me into a normal person, it wasn’t the case. Instead, I opened Pandora’s box and a plethora of monsters attacked me, but they eventually turned into allies. I discovered pieces of myself I had forgotten existed, or perhaps had never been aware of. Along with the archetypal realm of vivid, confusing and sometimes terrifying images, I also re-discovered my ability to love, something I felt I had lost. My dreams had been hiding in the same closet as my monsters. Through my fear of unleashing my shadows in the world, I had also been suppressing my gifts.

It may not be obvious what bees and a bucket of water have to do with healing and it wasn’t obvious to my five-year-old self either. But now that I have an understanding of symbols, I think it was the universe’s genius way of showing me something about my path in life. Time and again, whenever I was incapacitated due to physical illness, injury or emotional turmoil, creative expression was my great saviour. Water is symbolic of the unconscious, and through plunging into this realm and turning the archetypal images into stories, the poison in my system lost its potency. Through turning to the healing waters of my soul, also known as tears, my pain gained a purpose.

The incident came to mind again only recently, about three decades later, when I was reading about an encounter with bees of another author whose work I admire. The book is Supernatural and the author is Graham Hancock, who was born in Edinburgh where I currently live and the incident coincidentally happened in South Africa, where I was born. Hancock ventured into the Drakensberg mountains to find and examine ancient rock art. The hypothesis he puts forward in the book is that encounters with supernatural beings inspired the oldest forms of creative expression and indeed brought about the origins of civilisation and religious thought. While he was studying the ancient art, he became aware of a beehive, which was very dangerous considering he had had severe allergic reactions to bee stings in the past. When he was stung, he had no serious reaction, but he remembered that bees had spiritual significance in the mythology of the San people of Southern Africa. To him the experience was meaningful and may have led to insight into the inhabitants of other non-physical realms and our relationship to them.

Hancock’s story encouraged me to again look at the experience of inspiration my bee sting brought about when I was five years old. My journey to mend the wounds in my soul brought me in touch with the wounded healer archetype, a phenomenon that occurs across cultures where healers find their calling through an experience of physical or mental illness. Through plunging into the depths of their soul, they meet helpers in other realms, who assist them in healing others. My efforts to heal certainly opened doors to other realms and led me to learn about shamanic healing. In my case, healing and creativity go hand in hand.

As little as bees are, if the San people had it right, they could be the soul’s messengers even when they are threatening. At such a significant time in my young life, these tiny helpers came to whisper in my ear how I could move beyond pain to claim the power in my soul. When I had all but forgotten about my aspirations, they reminded me, through literature, what my original dreams were.

The universe is teeming with life and intelligence, expressed in the smallest and largest of ways. My story about a bucket of water is maybe not the original one I had in mind, but thirty years later I am writing it to honour the little girl’s dreams. Because regardless of how small and insignificant she felt, and often still does, the universe was in her as much as in everything else. Although she didn’t know it at the time, she was capable of wisdom.

Symbolism in the Mundane: a Message from Feathers

I love seeing symbolism in the mundane, and recently I have found a message in the way feathers appeared to me. Feathers are useful tools for me in my energy healing work, but I have been without them for almost two years. This is because I moved to a different continent and could take very little with me. I left my feathers behind — ironically because they would not have caused problems with my baggage limitations — thinking that I would find new ones. I also reasoned that I had to be able to do healing work with or without the tools.

In the year and a half that I was in Scotland before returning to South Africa for a visit, I did not find a single feather, despite visiting the park on a daily basis and embarking on a few trips to the wild highlands. Back in South Africa I found to my delight that my old eagle and owl feathers, which I had left at my mother’s house, were still intact. I also found some more guinea fowl feathers and this time I took all of them with me on my return to Scotland. Since my arrival back, there have been feathers everywhere.

The feathers I had were special to me due to my relationship with the birds in question. The eagle appeared as a symbol of courage during one of my first encounters with spiritual healing, and is also the inspiration for my first novel, In Search of the Golden City. I have been drawn to owls since I was a child, and they came to me particularly in times of need. The owl feather I have came from barn owls that nested in our chimney. One of the birds got stuck and we had to rescue it. It was quite an emotional experience, especially when we saw that as soon as it was free, it joined another one in flight that had been waiting for it. Owls have also appeared to me in dreams a few times, often before or after I saw one in the physical world.

To me the message in the sudden abundance of feathers was one of cherishing what I have and believing in my own connection with spirit. This also relates to the process of soul retrieval, where healing is done through recovering lost aspects of the self. To bring the best of myself to the world, I have to use everything I have been given and be careful of discarding it due to the demands of the material world. If I honour what is precious to me, I will see more of it in the world around me. However, if I leave it behind thinking that there will be more to come, its presence in my life will diminish.

Movement, Injury and Emotion

The psyche interacts with the material world in a mysterious way. Studies such as these show how our religious thinking influences the shape of our social environment. The individual psyche also has a relationship with the body. I find that physical distress is often an expression of what goes on in my subconscious mind, indicating where I need healing personally. In this article I offer my reflections on my most recent physical injury (a broken ankle) and consider what I needed to learn about myself in the process of recovery.

The last few months have been a time of overhaul in my working life. Years of searching for ways to work in a meaningful way have culminated to a point where I was challenged to put my ideas into practice. The process has not been as smooth as I had hoped. Apart from the administrative side of organising a new job, one of my biggest challenges has been my vulnerability. Going on my own as a healer requires me to take a stand for what I believe in regardless of whether or not mainstream views endorse energy healing practices. In addition, sharing my writing with the world means that I have to be ready for criticism. I had decided to take the steps and was willing to face whatever would come my way, whether I felt ready for it or not.

Right when I thought I was all set, I broke my ankle while running. The accident presented new trials. The impact it had on my emotional well-being was significant. I could put mind over matter as far as the pain was concerned because I knew that it would not last for ever. But the lack of exercise was not conducive to a happy mood. I felt frustrated having very little control over my physical environment. I had to rely on other people even for simple things – something which I found difficult seeing that I value my independence.

In the run up to the start of my self-employed career as a healer and writer, I have been in constant dialogue with spiritual guidance. Through my dreams and meditations I have received the message that I had to continue taking steps but also be patient while I build up the strength that I would need to put my plans into action. Knowing the boundary between doing my best and trying too hard has been difficult. I still don’t have an answer, but I believe the injury has shown me the fears I had not taken into account.

If I interpret my injury on a symbolic level, I would say that I had wanted to move too fast without taking proper care of myself in the conditions. The accident involved cold temperatures and water, which is symbolic of the realm of emotion. Since I slipped on ice in an attempt to avoid stepping into water, I think there is a message about being willing to face unpleasant feelings. If I had opted for the discomfort of flowing water, I would have avoided the danger of frozen water. Since running is a performance driven sport, I recognise that there is an indication of fear of failure. Although I am no longer so competitive, running represents a way of controlling my mood and my body with the desired outcome of remaining positive and strong.

In my attempt to take charge of my destiny, I have been unwilling to give my weak, vulnerable self an equal say in the matter. Where that part of me has protested that I am not ready, I have pushed her aside in favour of the aspect of me that wants to take control through action. But without all the parts, action can only be so powerful before the segment that takes too much strain breaks. My excessive need for control points back to lack of confidence. Relying on others, which I had to do while my ankle was broken, strengthens trust that there will be support when I need it. I could cut myself some slack in my efforts to get ahead and practise being gentle to myself.

Most injuries heal even though it takes time. I had been impatient for the plaster to be removed, but when the time came closer, I was strangely afraid. I could not remember what it felt like to be able to walk normally and had fallen into a comfort zone within my limitations. My fear was justified: my foot was extremely weak and painful when it no longer had support. But pain is also necessary for recovery. I reflected on how easy it is to become attached to protection even when it no longer serves the healing process. The skill in re-learning how to move efficiently lies in finding the balance between embracing a healthy amount of discomfort and taking care of one’s vulnerable spots. If I had known how to do it properly I might not have broken my ankle to begin with. Hopefully, the experience has taught me the value of my support systems. Hopefully, also, I am learning how to do my best while still being kind to myself.

Ancestral Healing and the Sins of the Fathers

My journey on the path of healing started with mental illness. In my teenage years, I believed myself to be depressed because I was not as happy as I thought I was supposed to be. My energy levels were low when I tried to reduce my natural rhythms to fit into a container – something I felt I had to do in order to survive. I was told that I was genetically predisposed to mental illness and I believed it. Yet something in me could not accept that I had to live as someone with a broken brain. Whereas coping seemed to be the goal of therapy, I wanted to actually heal. At the time I thought healing meant feeling alright as a normal person, but true healing turned out to be something entirely different: owning the right to take charge of my life. In this article I will look at how ancestral patterns can be changed through energy healing as an alternative to believing in mental illness.

In my late teens and early twenties, I saw spiritualists who more or less consistently told me that I was a healer. I did not understand it, because I thought that one had to be sorted out before one could help others, and I wasn’t. Only when I learned about shamanism did I come across the concept of the initiatory crisis, which is the start of a healer’s path. Across many cultures, the healer is called through an experience of physical or mental illness. When they accept their destiny, the symptoms subside and the healer starts working with the spiritual realms to bring healing to others. My path started making sense, but still it took time to undo the ingrained notion of broken genes as an unfortunate aspect of one’s physical package. The wise teachers I had knew better than to accept a scientific framework that the average person cannot verify.

In my honours year in psychology at university, my lecturer of ecopsychology seemed to lean towards spirituality, which was surprising in the academic environment. Our prescribed text book was Ecological Intelligence by Ian McCallum. The book also touches on how closely our genes are shared with animals such as lions and primates. During one of the lectures, our lecturer did a guided meditation into the subconscious, symbolised by the ocean. The assignment was for each student to identify and change a belief that no longer served them. The principle was that beliefs are projected on the world around us, which creates our experience. Someone asked about the influence of genes, and he said that once a belief is changed in the subconscious, it is not transferred genetically. At the time I did not find the meditation effective, but from my current perspective I can see that in a way he was right. I also understand why it was not helpful at the time: the healing power of the subconscious is strongest when it is listened to rather than commandeered.

A few years later I saw another healer who works in a shamanic way. She also told me that once healing is done, the issue does not return because a change has been made in the akashic records, which can be understood as an astral plane where information about everything that has ever happened is held. I was sceptical because I found my own problems to be recurrent and consequently was wary of quick fixes. Again, I see that she was right in a way. I think the subconscious works slowly, like the ocean.  A deep-seated issue may take some time to come to the surface. When there is a lot of water, it’s best dealt with a little bit at a time, and only when a person is truly ready will conscious action be taken.. The surrounding water then has to adapt to the flow; a person cannot change one issue and expect all other aspects of their life to remain intact. But when a problem is changed, it does not need to recur unless by choice. The process of healing is, however, continuous and often disruptive.

When I learned more about practical shamanism in 2010, we did a journeying exercise to change an ancestral issue. The principle was that energy is passed on through generations. An ancestral problem may still affect us, but when it is changed on an energetic level, the trouble can leave our lives. The journey was different from the guided meditation I did in the psychology class because we looked to find the cause of the issue rather than impose our will on the subconscious. It also involved talking to the ancestors to find out what it was that had troubled them and how it could be healed. In this way we showed love to the ancestors, which was also a way of loving the broken aspect of ourselves. Where the ancestor asked for a follow up ritual as part of the healing, the action taken showed commitment to change in the present physical world. The issue I wanted to address had to do with violence, because two of my family members had died violent deaths and at the time I thought that there was a karmic connection with another family member’s service to an arms company. What I found in the journey surprised me. About three or four generations before me there was an issue with rejected love. It seemed to be far removed from the problem I had wanted to address, but nevertheless I gave love to the woman I did not know and completed the letting go ritual. Almost five years later I can see the difference it made, mostly in terms of improved relationships. The healing happened in ripples, affecting areas of my life that I did not at the time see as connected to the problem. Change also required conscious action and the more one changes something, the more there is to deal with. It may sound overwhelming, but in truth it is empowering, because unconscious influences are easier recognised and less likely to rule one’s decisions.

In 2013-2014 I did a master’s degree in classics, which basically means ancient Greek and Latin. The main focus was ancient civilisations, slavery and mythology. I did it for different reasons, most of which I thought had little to do with my healing path. But looking at the myths and history of the Mediterranean 2000 to 4000 years ago, I found many elements that I could connect with the present world reality, largely in terms of the abuse of power enabled by false semblances of authority. Strangely, the mythology that I dealt with also had direct connections with the start of my healer’s path and the ancestral issue I looked at. My dissertation focused on the myth of the Golden Age, which originated as a variant of the concept of the fall from paradise but acquired a political significance in Augustan Rome. The most meaningful concept I learned from the myth is that of legal regulation being absent in a just society. The phenomenon of a just father-figure that regulates the order to prevent societal decay produces injustice and warfare. The control of the female sexuality, which to me symbolises our connection with nature and the will to emotional freedom, goes hand in hand with exploitation of others in the construction of a hierarchical society that best serves a few patriarchs.

It is not an uncommon notion that globally we are undergoing a shift in consciousness. Many people find that the old way of doing things are no longer working. Many others feel traumatised as they need to deal with old baggage. Looking at the issues I had to deal with in my family and the problems humanity have faced for millennia, I now understand that we carry many generations of ancestral baggage in our genes, but it can be changed if we deal with it consciously and with love. It is not a natural programming out of our control that should determine who we are, but the result of conditioned fear that has become a pattern. Scientific experiments have also confirmed that acquired responses can be transferred genetically (see for instance this article). When a person in present day and age starts to experience psychological discomfort, it is an indication that they are waking up to the idea that a better reality is possible. If it feels difficult, we can know that we are not alone, because globally more healers are owning their natural capacity to restore balance and harmony. If we feel that the ocean is too much water to handle, we can change those drops around us knowing that there are others who are doing the same. If the small currents change, the large ones will follow. I could go with a new interpretation of the Biblical notion that the sins of the fathers are transferred through to the third and fourth generation, but for those who love (God), the blessings will have effect for a thousand generations.

The People Who Inspire Me

I have learned valuable things from people from all walks of life. Some of them are known to me personally, whereas others have encouraged me through their work even though I haven’t met them. Sadly in some cases it took some time before I could truly appreciate the gems around me. Here I will describe some of the inspirational people from the centre of my life to the periphery.

I grew up in apartheid South Africa for the first ten years of my life. For nineteen years after that I lived in post-apartheid South Africa. Reading this article saddened me, but it also filled me with a newfound gratitude for the domestic workers who helped to raise me. They loved me unconditionally despite the injustice of the social system they were subjected to. It took some distance from my childhood years to develop a deep admiration for them in addition to the appreciation I had always felt. As a child I could not see behind the scenes into what their lives looked like outside the environment of my family home. They found a way to shine light into the world regardless of their circumstances.

I have strong women in my family who set a good example for me. I used to take parenthood for granted because everyone else did. During my years of breaking away from home, I went through different stages of rebellion. As soon as I started full time employment, however, my attitude changed. I realised that having a business job is no joke. All of a sudden the people who expected parenthood as a given for me at any point in the future seemed crazy. I understood what a remarkable job my mother had done as a single parent of three children all born within a span of three and a half years. She looked after us for twelve days in a fortnight while building a successful career post-divorce. There is no way that I could treat one child with the amount of patience my mother showed towards us, let alone three. My grandmother had six children of whom two were disabled. She completed a master’s degree in criminology while pregnant with her fifth child. In the era that she lived in, she was expected to refrain from attending class during pregnancy. The demeaning attitude did not deter her.

I have a musician friend, Josh Prinsloo aka Fruit Vendor whom I met at work (check his blog here). We regularly shared our frustrations because both of us felt disconnected from a deeper purpose. He wanted to devote his efforts to the arts whereas I was trying to figure out a way to make healing work my job. Josh is a few years younger than me and did not have the kind of financial backup that I had at the time. While I was still making excuses for myself, he quit his job. He jumped into a career as an artist without asking permission of anyone. He recently won a music competition. I have always believed in him.

There are people who have inspired me through their work. My teacher of shamanism, Ross Heaven, had left his well paid job in the pharmaceutical industry to pursue true healing. He taught me valuable principles while encouraging me to go with my own insights. I have not met many spiritual teachers who in no way claimed to have authority over anyone else. I am grateful to him for re-affirming what I knew to be true although I was too afraid to acknowledge it.

There are also the famous writers and musicians whose work I admire but whom I have not met. Some of them have taught that the easiest way to be an artist is to go and do it. I feel daft to admit that such an obvious statement opened doors for me, yet it is surprising how the belief that I had to earn a right to do what I wanted deterred me. Those artists whose work has truly meant something to me have taught that others can be as great as they are.

None of the people who inspired me are perfect. All of them are admirable because they have given a unique gift. Inspiring people can be found anywhere, regardless of fortune or education. The challenge, I believe, is using what one has to create a life that is worthwhile. I am hoping that I could learn from these fantastic examples to also bring inspiration to others.

On Big Pharma, Science and Healing

This week I picked up a business and careers newspaper for students and the topic Big Pharma on the cover caught my eye. I’m not sure what I expected seeing that the article would hardly reflect my mindset. Yet when I read it it was all about the issues the industry faces and how they can recover to protect their profits. The article was also quite blatant about the fact that the pharmaceutical industry is one of the biggest industries in the world. I’m not sure why I was surprised at the approach but I thought it was pretty shameless in the way in which the profit driven aspect was depicted as something positive and desirable. I couldn’t help feeling a bit indignant though, let me explain why.

I have long since learned to shut up about my beliefs about healing. I have had too many conversations which go more or less like this:

“Why do you work in marketing if you studied psychology?”

“I wanted to be a psychologist but after having studied it I don’t really believe that the traditional approach to psychology is helpful. Which led me to turn to alternative forms of healing.”

“Oh, what does that entail?”

“Well…” (I usually just get vague at this point in order to avoid any reference to shamanic techniques or energy healing. I’ll continue as if I did in fact express my healing interests.)

“That’s nice. I have heard of such and such a person who was exploited very much by someone parading as a psychic or a spiritualist. They were never quite the same after that.”

Or: “This person got into trouble because he was actually a physiotherapist but then he tried to do ‘energy healing’ on his patient, which didn’t work. One has to be very careful of these unscientific things.”

So I shut up for fear of being ridiculed or labelled as a hippie or unscientific. I know it’s a bit lame but after reading the Big Pharma article I think maybe I could be more shameless about my “beliefs” and appeal to people’s common sense a bit more.

Let’s start with science, which is supposed to be about knowledge and rationality. Somehow I’m not convinced. In the mind of the average person it has become synonymous with authority. If “science” says so then so it is and most people will consider that the end of the matter. In that case their responsibility to make their own assessment of the situation is relieved because someone who knows better has decided for them. It is also interesting to see that in the mind of the average person “unscientific” means it’s nonsense. To these people I would like to point out that deciding on the merit of something without bothering to look into it, all based on what “authority” has told you, makes no sense whatsoever.

Can we really trust authority if we look at who is in control? The greatest destruction in the history of mankind has been caused by those in power and those with knowledge. We complain and rage that it’s time for someone else to take over but we continue to entrust ourselves to authority. Maybe it’s time to ask ourselves what is in our best interest, and to consider that it might be in the interest of some people to have us believe that we cannot trust ourselves, much less other people, and that we therefore need the protection of someone in power.

Continuing on the topic of science: it’s supposed to be about the methodology and the reliability of the results. Yet I think that money plays an important role: only those who have enough to be endorsed by the right authorities can have the status. I’m not speaking against science and I will not deny that great breakthroughs have been made. Yet knowledge is only useful if it serves us. It is how we use knowledge that will determine whether we heal or harm. If science makes man god over creation, as so many seem to believe, then that is all the more reason for us to act responsibly. Although science can provide us with some of the answers to the whats and the hows, it can never answer the question “why” in the context of our lives. That is something that we have to answer for ourselves. We have to own up to the consequences of our actions following the answer. Not many are willing to do this, which is perhaps why we are so quick to look up to authority to tell us what we should believe and how we should live.

Returning to Big Pharma, I have decided not to judge too quickly. The only way that any business can make a lot of money is if they supply something that is in demand. If people want quick fixes to manage symptoms so they can continue their lives as “normal” then who am I to say that what pharmaceutical companies are doing is bad?

A final thought about science: as helpful as knowledge can be, it doesn’t help much knowing anything if we don’t live better as a result. I’ll venture to say that if we can learn to cooperate, love and live in peace then we’ll be a thousand times better off not knowing anything even if we think the earth is flat. Potential often lies not in what is known, because what is known has already been created. Potential is in the vast sea of unknown possibilities. How we act today will determine which possibility we bring into the reality of tomorrow.

Why Myths Are Important

We tend to think of myths as forgotten stories from a past that doesn’t belong to us, one where people held irrational beliefs and didn’t know anything. But the truth is that we are still living myths today, individually as well as collectively. In fact, everything is based on myth. It’s because we believe in our present day myths that we live them and perpetuate them. If we want to change our personal or collective reality then we need to take a look at the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. We have to decide not only what we would like to discard, but also what we would like to take into the future.

Myths and dreams are the symbols that illuminate our current self-concepts and contain the seeds of what we can become. The Now-moment contains nothing at all, except what we choose to believe in. The Now moment is pure potential and completely insubstantial. But Now is also the bridge between our myths and our dreams - the space in which we can create. Now is often too fast on us – it doesn’t give us time to deliberate and make informed decisions. That is perhaps why it can open the door to change, because even though it is insubstantial, it is all that we really have to work with. Now is the moment of choice, the moment where all possibilities are connected and from where we can choose our experience. In my experience each Now moment provides the opportunity to either heal the past or direct the future.

Dreams are nothing other than the myths of the future telling us what is possible. If a dream stirs our hearts then it calls us to a better future. The question is often how to use the Now to transform our own stories, releasing myths from the past that no longer serve us to bring the dreams of the future into our present reality. But in truth all myths are important, regardless of whether we like them or not. If we want to get rid of a personal myth, it will probably re-present itself with more insistence until it is healed. We only heal our myths when we love them, because unwanted myths represent parts of ourselves that need to be loved back to life. Once it is integrated into our sense of self, the unwanted myth no longer has control that is beyond the power of our own will. It will then cease to run the show, because we are no longer afraid of it.

In Paulo Coelho’s books I have read about the personal legend. Being authentic means weaving our myth so life works for us and we fulfil our greatest dream, which should also be our biggest ambition. This doesn’t mean that we should be flawless, but that our chosen myth should be original and have the power of our own creativity.

Identifying with a Label

I’ve finished writing my first book. Having worked through the second draft I approached the point where I had to take the next step. I thought I might ask friends or people who love me for feedback first before weighing my options. I could work on it some more, change all of it, burn it and start from scratch on something else or alternatively send it to an agent just as it is, hoping that it would catch someone’s eye. Boy, did it turn out to be a terrifying experience! I melted away at the first hint of criticism, telling myself that all those people were right and that I would never make it. A day of depression ensued, but that’s a topic for another day.

To divert my attention, I did some reading on two successful authors out there, the ones that have “made it”. Their lives are none of my business, but I got some consolation from the fact that they didn’t always seem to have everything together all the time - very often to the contrary. What they did have in common was a persistent desire to be a writer from a very young age. I have long ago come to the conclusion that strong desire was far more powerful in leading to success than doing everything right. Although it was supposed to make me hopeful, in a way it made me despair even more.

I cannot remember ever telling anyone “I want to be a writer” although I have always said that “I want to write”. I am not sure if that indicates weaker desire on my part, since I have wanted to do and be many things. For the last 10 years or so I have wanted to “be a healer” (in different forms according to the phase I was in) perhaps more than anything else. That is also the way I have thought about it, rather than “I want to heal”. Yet it often felt as if the universe was against me in my “quest to become a healer”. In the end trying to find ways to be a healer in the way that I wanted to be one turned out to be very frustrating. I have felt that I was bumping my head against a brick wall with no doors opening for me. I couldn’t understand why the universe wasn’t supporting me if I was trying to work with it, living my purpose. In the end I kind of gave up, or rather surrendered, unsure of whether I still believed in the hand of destiny and spiritual healing. What I have believed for a long time to be my life’s mission ended up causing me suffering rather than fulfilment, which defeated the purpose.

It seems that the universe does have a way of making our deepest desires come true. Reflecting on my likelihood to be successful at anything, I asked myself what I have desired most for longest. Although “being a writer” and being recognised as such would be great, it is much more important to me that my writing brings joy into the world. My thoughts keep returning to healing.

Thinking of “being a healer” is still too painful though. I am not sure if that decreases my likelihood of success, but the moment I start identifying with a label too much, the vision loses its brightness and instead becomes sticky at best and painful at worst. I “want to” be a healer but nobody seems to be interested and I have no clients, which not only makes me doubt my beliefs about destiny, but also makes me a massive failure.

Thinking about it, I realised that I have 84 clients who fell into my lap through the marketing company I work for. Some of them have cancer, have just ended their relationship, have illness in the family or are having a hard time at work. Some of them have other problems which they don’t tell me about. Here I have an opportunity to make a difference by helping them increase their sales (the way the company sees it) or just bringing a cheer to their day in whatever way I can (more important in my eyes). I have had an opportunity right under my nose and yet I have failed to notice because I have been so attached to a label, insistent on having it my way. What the universe has sent me was the chance to make a difference in the best way I can. I have looked past it for such a long time, blinded by resentment at having to serve objectives which weren’t my own.

Today I thank the Universe for knowing what is best for me, bringing my deepest desires to fruition. I have been given the opportunity to live out my highest vision, cleverly disguised so it doesn’t become a drudge because of my preoccupation with my own success. Where I kill my own ambition, the spark that reignites it is always there, coming from the space between something and nothing.