Conforming to Non-Conformity

Through my life I have gained a reputation among some as being non-conformist. More often than not I don’t intend to be unconventional, but I have at times felt rebellious towards tradition. My drive to break free from mainstream modes of thought has largely been motivated by existential questions, but I have wondered if I am just making things difficult for myself.

Image by André Koekemoer

At times I have looked for connection among the marginal, hoping to find some freedom to express myself there. What I have discovered is that there are expectations even among the peripheral. In very liberal company I have felt hesitant to admit my thoughts and feelings as much as in conservative company. If one has to conform to a new set of rules within a given paradigm, one does not escape the restrictions of social order, no matter how non-conformist it may be.

My search has led me to the insight that structure is valuable. Even when I don’t always like the notions on which it is built, there is a price to pay for leaving it behind. All traditions have their pros and cons, much like all kinds of freedom have benefits and disadvantages. In fighting paradigms that are perceived as a hindrance to freedom, a new kind of expectation can arise of conforming to non-conformity.

The best way for me to reconcile myself with tradition is to recognise the humanity in it. The rigidity I feel subversive towards comes from a need for security which I also share. I comply with many standards even though it might not stand out as much as the ways in which I don’t conform. Likewise, people with a more traditional mind-set certainly have many ways in which they don’t follow the rules. We all have things to learn from one another.

Transforming Guilt to Freedom

Guilt is an interesting thing that caught my attention this week, making me think about its origins. To those who have walked away from traditional religious doctrines, guilt has a bad reputation. From that point of view it is something that imprisons us, having been used as a tool to control our minds. However there is also another aspect of guilt, that of our conscience talking to us. From that perspective it is a compass that tells us where we have deviated from the path that would take us to our desired destination. According to some psychological perspectives, moderate feelings of guilt are necessary but excessive guilt causes problems for mental health. The question is where to draw the line between moderate and excessive. Seeing that traditional paradigms of psychology want everyone to be as close to normal as possible I think I’ll discard that point of view. Being normal can easily translate to being mediocre and when I look around me I’m not sure I want to be normal anyway.

Having had my own struggles with guilt or the lack of it, especially in the cultural context that I live in, I now think that a lot of it is based on misunderstanding of what is good for the self and others. I have often felt conflicted by the fact that those who seemed to be most likely to impose guilt on others were least likely to take ownership for their own actions. I assumed that the world was fair and right because I was told that it was. So often I questioned my own faculty to reason in a world where my views seemed upside down. One example is the fact that it looked to me like women were expected to put others before themselves more often than men. I never understood it having been under the impression that the religious teachings introduced to me applied to everyone. Another example was the fact that it was unlawful for normal citizens to kill another person but the same rules didn’t apply when the state waged war. What was more interesting was the fact that everyone seemed to be OK with it.

One thing I can say with reasonable confidence is that those who should feel guilty are least likely to do so. Looking at it that way, guilt is perhaps an indication of higher awareness of the impact of one’s actions on others. But is lack of guilt when it would perhaps have been useful an indication that someone is a bad person? I’m not convinced – it is more likely an indication that they’re stupid or ill. I don’t think that guilt imposed from the outside would help someone take ownership for their actions anyway. People can change their ways only when they wake up and that will happen when they choose to do so.

Guilt that is actually felt is a different matter. If people are tortured by feelings of guilt for certain actions, why do they do it? Religion would tell us that we were born in sin and are slaves to the desires of the flesh if our faith isn’t strong enough. But I think guilt and freedom are opponents that sit on different sides of the same table. It is choice and understanding that will open the door to a new way of being. Conflicting desires is part of our nature and the tension is often what keeps us moving forward. Bringing to light the different aspects of ourselves gives us greater power to create our reality since it’s often the parts that we deny or suppress that run the show.

As far as our relationship with society is concerned, guilt has an interesting relationship with happiness. I can’t decide whether we are expected to be happy or not. I had a conversation with a friend this week who told me about the negative reactions of others to his inclination to pursue his dreams. I could relate to his experience since I have also felt on numerous occasions that people would argue with me when I made it clear that I would do things my way regardless of whether or not it would maintain the status quo. My friend said that he gets the feeling that some family members see him as irresponsible for chasing his dreams. When I thought about it, I realised that those who willingly took on a certain role prescribed by society that perhaps didn’t fit them so well were most likely to try to persuade me that my choices made no sense.

On the other hand, I have also felt guilty many times because I was unhappy. This meant either that I wasn’t grateful for what I had or I was flawed because of my inability to make myself happy. In this instance guilt had two connotations, either one of selfishness or one of failure. I can only come to the conclusion that when guilt is imposed from the outside, it is because others expect us to be happy in a certain way. If we’re true to ourselves we might threaten the status quo and make others uncomfortable. In the spirit of Carl Rogers, this implies a fundamental distrust of the organismic valuing process.

When guilt is an obstacle in the way of our freedom, we need to go about carefully in order to free ourselves. Discarding old notions of right and wrong in favour of doing whatever we want to might not give us the freedom we want because we still have to take the consequences of our actions. However I’m tempted to believe that aligning with our soul purpose would help us move to a new understanding of what is good for ourselves and for the whole. Without advocating complete inconsideration for others, I think that often those who hurt or harm us are doing us a favour. In the end life asks us to live authentically and find happiness. If that is the path we choose we will help others to do the same for themselves, regardless of whether everyone will always feel comfortable with our actions or not.

The Magic of Symbols

Where marketing, Jungian psychology and general observations come together I have discovered the magic of symbols. Every thought structure has symbols that represent it. The more people believe in these symbols, the more powerful they become. When one takes a step back and looks at them carefully, one discovers that they are representations of an idea that has gained power and momentum through belief. When we don’t recognise it and simply take them for granted as “the truth” rather than a construct, they dictate our reality.

The poem Ozymandiaz by Percy Bysshe Shelley comes to mind. I was fascinated by this poem when we analysed it in English class in high school. It made so much sense – the hunger for power, the ruler’s urge to deify himself – leaving monuments in his honour on earth after his soul has departed his body. While the physical material used to build the structure is still there centuries later, it has been eroded, leaving only ruins. One wonders what for. The leader is no longer there to appreciate his legacy.

In a similar vein, I watch snippets of Sky News when I can’t help doing so whilst cycling in the gym. I wonder at all the processions when there is some political congregation. It doesn’t look like there is a point to any of it other than a display of power. The reason why school kids wear uniforms is to discipline them into submission. The same can be said of the suit and tie as the corporate attire and the fact that jeans are not allowed on golf courses. It’s a little bit ridiculous and yet everyone accepts it because it’s what they’re used to.

Symbols speak to the subconscious mind, which explains why countries have flags and companies have logos. Most of the time we don’t question these symbols. They tell us what to believe and we fall in with it, assuming that they must have authority if they have survived. In a way it’s true because only the ideas that people believe in survive, yet most people don’t recognise their freedom to choose what they want to believe in.

The symbolism in being wealthy leads me to question why people want to make money. I’ll risk looking like an idiot and confess that I don’t understand money at all. Whilst in some sense it is a figure on a computer screen that determines how much one can buy, in another sense it is a floating ideology that decides the social order. We don’t desire the things money can buy because they truly make us happy, but because we attach a certain meaning to them which gives us a sense of security. The things we are sold are only significant for as long as we esteem them. To be free from the ideology of money rather than enslaved by it, we need to consciously bring our intentions to the way we work with it. If we use it in such a way that it makes us happy we will transform it, making it work for the benefit of the whole.

Whilst symbols can be used to influence us and control our minds, it is also Nature’s way of talking to us, telling us what we need to heal. She speaks to us about the power that we find inside through our connection to the whole. Recognising that we create our own internal universe frees us from the belief that we need anything in order to be happy.

The best things in life are free. Happiness can be chosen at any time because it comes from the space between something and nothing where there is no limited supply. The more we believe in it, the more we have of it and the easier it becomes. Happiness is right here, right now, not in the future where we will have all our ducks in a row or enough money to claim our freedom. The most exciting discovery one can make is that one doesn’t need anything to be happy.